The Wall of Shame

Three pages. One typeface crime. Recruiter rejected before reading a single bullet.

Hasn't updated this resume since 2014. The footer still says 'Page 1 of 1.'

We've seen better formatting in a ransom note.

Pairs 'synergy' with 'leveraged' the way other people pair wine with cheese.

Same bullet, three jobs. The find-and-replace job hops with you.

Passionate, dynamic, innovative, results-driven. Job duties optional.

Lists every project from 2007. Recruiter found out by Page 3.

Six internships. Zero full-time roles. The resume reads like a LinkedIn 'Open to Work' confessional.

Professional summary so generic it could belong to a houseplant.

Skilled at 'leadership' and 'communication.' Specifics available upon request, apparently.

Title was a stretch even at the time. The math still doesn't math.

Skills section is 47 buzzwords. Experience section is 4 lines. Math is broken somewhere.

Every bullet starts with 'Spearheaded.' Nothing was actually pioneered.

Promoted from Associate to VP in 18 months. At a 6-person startup. Math checks out, technically.

Real title at the company. Recruiter still doesn't know what you did.

Strong foundation. A handful of vague metrics. Recruiter would actually read the whole thing.

Real numbers in most bullets. One inexplicable 'utilized strategic synergies' in the summary.

Specific. Quantified. Confident without the LinkedIn-influencer cosplay. Almost.

Every bullet has a number. Every number is impressive. Are you okay?

Bullets are SO tight they read like McKinsey deliverables. Slightly inhuman in the best way.

The math is unimpeachable. The voice could use a little more 'human' and less 'LinkedIn header.'

We came here to roast and you brought receipts. We have nothing.

Every bullet is a small story with a real number at the end. Fine, we admit it.

Boringly good. No buzzwords detected. We're a little jealous.