Your cover letter
deserves worse.

“I am writing to apply for the position of…” tells the reader something they already know, in the one line guaranteed to be read. Same for “I was excited to see this role posted.” Both are throat-clearing, and both are the most common way a letter loses its reader before the second paragraph.

A working opener does one of three things: states a specific result you produced that’s relevant here, names a concrete reason it’s this company rather than any company, or leads with the referral if you have one. We flag the opener first because everything after it gets read with less attention.

“Passionate,” “results-driven,” “team player,” and “proven track record” are assertions the reader has no way to check, which is exactly why they get skimmed. The roast flags each one and asks the question a hiring manager asks silently: according to what? Trading one adjective for one number is usually the highest- leverage edit in the whole letter.

The substitution test: swap in a different company name — does the letter still make sense? If it does, it isn’t a cover letter, it’s a form. Naming the team, the product, a recent launch, or the specific problem in the posting is what separates a letter that gets read from one that gets filed.

Three or four short paragraphs, 250–400 words, one page at the absolute most. An opener that establishes why you, a middle that supplies evidence, a close that says what happens next. If you’re running past a page, it’s almost always because the letter is retelling the resume — and the reader already has that document.

The roast tells you what’s broken in about 30 seconds. If you want the full method, we wrote it out: how to write a cover letter, five complete example letters covering standard, career change, no experience, referral, and cold outreach, and how to end one without sounding desperate.